Unwritten
I had my first crush when I was 16 years old. It was someone I knew in school and I realized he existed one day when I heard someone teasing us together. I was taken aback because he hardly had spoken before that. But that was when I began to notice him.
His curly hair, his lazy, laid back attitude. So unlike mine. He was calm and I was not. He had endless patience and patience in my world was just a word in the dictionary. He liked rock music and I hadn't heard of anyone other than Westlife. His entire family knew me by name since I was probably the one person who called him the most. I had probably memorized every message he had sent me back then and replayed every conversation in my head. When we left to go to two different cities for college, I didn't know how to feel. It felt like I was losing a best friend and I hoped nothing would change between us. But it did.
I then briefly dated someone who was emotionally intense. While it was my first relationship (and a really short lived one at that), it showed me that I was not ready for my first relationship. And especially a long distance one. He was my guy best friend and we had probably confused our feelings for each other. While I was in another city for my college and he was back in my hometown, things between us were a real challenge and I was relieved when it ended. However, I had somehow deluded myself into believing that ending the relationship would mean that we would end up going back to being best friends again and was hurt when we didn't. I felt betrayed by the rumours going around and things eventually got ugly enough for us to hate each other for a while.
And then there was my first long term relationship.Like my first crush, the first thing I noticed about him were his eyes. They were unlike anyone elses that I had come across. His smart witty come backs is what got my hooked. I kept convincing myself that he was the one for me even when things felt off. Five years of our relationship ended on bad terms and life had come a full cirlce when he was disappointed that we couldn't be in each others lives.
Why am I telling you all this? Because unlike all of them, I think we could have a shot at something real. Why? I don't know. Just like I don't know the color of your eyes or your hair. I hate that you are lazy. Losing you would not feel like losing a best friend. Because you are not my best friend or even close. Yet, talking to you calms me down. It makes me feel better. You don't give me butterflies in my stomach and I'm glad because this isn't a high school crush. This is so much more than that. And it's different from anything I've ever felt.
His curly hair, his lazy, laid back attitude. So unlike mine. He was calm and I was not. He had endless patience and patience in my world was just a word in the dictionary. He liked rock music and I hadn't heard of anyone other than Westlife. His entire family knew me by name since I was probably the one person who called him the most. I had probably memorized every message he had sent me back then and replayed every conversation in my head. When we left to go to two different cities for college, I didn't know how to feel. It felt like I was losing a best friend and I hoped nothing would change between us. But it did.
I then briefly dated someone who was emotionally intense. While it was my first relationship (and a really short lived one at that), it showed me that I was not ready for my first relationship. And especially a long distance one. He was my guy best friend and we had probably confused our feelings for each other. While I was in another city for my college and he was back in my hometown, things between us were a real challenge and I was relieved when it ended. However, I had somehow deluded myself into believing that ending the relationship would mean that we would end up going back to being best friends again and was hurt when we didn't. I felt betrayed by the rumours going around and things eventually got ugly enough for us to hate each other for a while.
And then there was my first long term relationship.Like my first crush, the first thing I noticed about him were his eyes. They were unlike anyone elses that I had come across. His smart witty come backs is what got my hooked. I kept convincing myself that he was the one for me even when things felt off. Five years of our relationship ended on bad terms and life had come a full cirlce when he was disappointed that we couldn't be in each others lives.
Why am I telling you all this? Because unlike all of them, I think we could have a shot at something real. Why? I don't know. Just like I don't know the color of your eyes or your hair. I hate that you are lazy. Losing you would not feel like losing a best friend. Because you are not my best friend or even close. Yet, talking to you calms me down. It makes me feel better. You don't give me butterflies in my stomach and I'm glad because this isn't a high school crush. This is so much more than that. And it's different from anything I've ever felt.
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