Failure
My face felt unfamiliar. The sound surprised me. I had heard
it before but not in a while. I quite liked the feeling. I should. It was the
sound of me laughing. My face probably felt weird because I hadn’t in a while.
You see, I had let a person tragedy of sorts over take my entire life. I was
wallowing in self-pity, ice creams and chocolates were my new best friends.
Phone calls with my friends to make myself feel better was mandatory as were
the tear filled pillows. I didn’t want to feel better and I thought there was
nothing in the world that could make me feel better. Except one person.
I was wrong.
Why was I so upset? So disappointed or so hurt? Hadn't I
gone through situation of losing people earlier in my life? Losing people to
death or just because they weren't meant to be. Why was this so special? Maybe
because I thought the person was special. The person was different. How wrong I
was.
But I was also wrong in allowing one failure to drag me
down. We as humans, and more importantly we, as women put so much pressure on
ourselves to excel at everything we do. We feel guilty if we don’t give enough
time to our work or to your family or friends. Do we really have to excel at everything we do? Can’t we be human
and err once in a while? Can’t we not be good at everything. It is okay to fail
sometimes. Okay to have a failed relationship or not be able to handle a work
place. It is completely okay to quit a work place that puts so much pressure on
you that you feel miserable every second of your life there. It is okay to not
feel guilty about leaving work on time and it is completely okay to be
uncomfortable around certain people because not everyone will make you feel
good ( and some people are just plain creeps).
I had been feeling miserable for quite a while now. But when
I laughed, I knew then that I would be okay. It might take me some time but I
would get there. I would be completely fine.
I just had to remind myself that I
was only human after all. And so, I was allowed to fail.
Comments
I am the same person who wrote that anonymous comment to your last post!
I see so much of myself in you!
I have been going through something similar and I let that one person who was a part of my life for a SHORT while ruin my PRESENT… I was dwelling in the past, feeling GUILTY for the mistakes i MIGHT have made or how I could have done things differently… I was totally blaming myself.
But then one day I read these lines : It takes TWO people for any kind of relationship to go bad… if the other is understanding of that that its ok to make mistakes sometimes and that we aren’t perfect, things will go smoothly. So i stopped blaming myself and realized that it wasn’t TOTALLY my fault ! Thoes lines gave me a lot of relief and like you said made me feel like - its ok to not be perfect ALL the time and as humans we do err once in a while.
Coming to feeling miserable… I was INDULGING in my sadness,I realised!! I wasn’t WILLING to get out of it because i started identifying myself with all the problems I was going through… It was almost like if i didn't have those problems that i was dealing with i would lose my identity! WHAT AM I WITHOUT ALL THE PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE- is what i was SUBCONSCIOUSLY thinking…I realised that when i read the book - The POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle. You should read it if you haven’t read it, its very empowering!
I GAVE THOSE PROBLEMS SO MUCH IMPORTANCE that i let them DEFINE ME!!! And so i kept indulging in those thoughts….
Ever since i realised that, i have been making a conscious effort to not associate myself with my problems… ITS NOT EASY, but i am trying…
The strange feeling that you described when you heard the sound of your own laughter… I feel that way every single time i look at the screen saver on my IPad , its a picture of me with my brother when i was a happier person, and every time i swipe to unlock my iPad I just stare at that person in that picture for a while and i wonder - Is that really me? such a happy and a BRIGHT face, my face doesn't look like that ANYMORE, is that REALLY ME in the picture????? !!
i stare at it for a while n then promise myself that i will try my best to bring back that smile n be happier! :)
I wish I could write like you, you write really well!! :)
Wow. You have no idea how much your comment means to me. I can't imagine that someone actually reads and identifies with my blog. That makes me really happy.
I actually think sometimes it can take one person to mess up the relationship. You can be the most amazing person in the world and being taken for granted will just end the relationship. But that is for another post :-P.
I would love to hear more from you. You can email me :-). And I hope you go back to being the happier version soon.
PS: You do write well.