Letter to my 'friend'
Dear Ex-best friend,
I never thought I would be writing this letter to you. Always wrote letters in my mind. Letters when I missed you, letters to tell you how much you meant to me, letters for what I would tell you when you were getting married, letters to your children about the sort of friends we were in high school. Some letters were happy. Like when we were in college and I realized how awesome our friendship was. Some were sad. Like the ones I wrote to you to sort out our fights. But this by far is the saddest letter ever.
I always thought that we would be friends forever. I guess forever just got a lot shorter. I won't deny that it hurt. Or how angry I was for a long time. How sometimes it still makes me angry to think about every thing you did. But I also won't deny how truly grateful I am to you for teaching me this one lesson- I am stronger than I thought I was.
I read this in the newspaper today. "A true apology is the desire to right the wrong that has been caused. There is no fine print here. It does not command reciprocity and it has no other agenda. Just simple plain application of a soothing balm to the injury caused does it." I thought of you. And your 'apology'.
It took me two years to realize that we had hit a point of no return. Those two years were filled with anger, sadness and a lot of tears. Self doubt and insecurity. I oscillated between blaming you and blaming myself. I wanted you to remain in m life so badly that I kept coming back to you and blaming myself for everything that was wrong. And sometimes, I wanted your attention so badly that I would get angry for the smallest of things, hoping you would notice and that it would magically set things right between us.
I guess it was my fault. I expected you to be there for me when I needed someone. I was always there for you and your family when you needed someone. But you weren't there when I needed you. And you didn't even try to understand. The letters I wrote to you went un-answered. We weren't best friends but you were oblivious to it. You realized too late and by then I had become someone you wouldn't recongnize. I wasn't the same person who used to be friends with. Nor were you.
Apologies came in spurts. Once in a while, out of the blue. Never followed up by actions. Yet every time they did, I hoped you would work hard to break down the walls that I had built up against you. Your actions would force me to re-think not wanting to be friends anymore. But every time you apologized, you messed up again and apologized again later. I went from being sad and willing for you to realizing your mistakes to being angry and not wanting to care.
I want to thank you for a lot of things. For all the good memories and the good times. But also for the bad times. It has helped me realize that I am stronger than anything life throws at me. I thought I could not live without you but I can....Not only am I living but I am thriving. Thank you for helping me realize who my true friends are and for helping me realize that only when you close your doors on the ones that don't care do you open the doors to ones that do.
I wish I could write to you and let you know this but I can't. Because it will be admitting I care, and I don't want to. Because I don't think you care. And because I don't want to start it all over again. You are now a book on my shelf. The dusty book surrounded by cobwebs that lies on the top shelf because it was once your favourite and brings back memories. You are too old to read the book but it helps preserve a piece of your childhood.
I know you will eventually make new best friends. I only hope you learn from us and not repeat the same mistakes. We imagined a lot of moments together. Our future. Our marriages, our families, our birthdays. I stopped missing you on those moments. But you will remember me at every milestone in your life. Every special moment will be incomplete without me. And you will have to live with it, knowing that you could have made it right but you chose not to. And now it is too late.
-Me.
I never thought I would be writing this letter to you. Always wrote letters in my mind. Letters when I missed you, letters to tell you how much you meant to me, letters for what I would tell you when you were getting married, letters to your children about the sort of friends we were in high school. Some letters were happy. Like when we were in college and I realized how awesome our friendship was. Some were sad. Like the ones I wrote to you to sort out our fights. But this by far is the saddest letter ever.
I always thought that we would be friends forever. I guess forever just got a lot shorter. I won't deny that it hurt. Or how angry I was for a long time. How sometimes it still makes me angry to think about every thing you did. But I also won't deny how truly grateful I am to you for teaching me this one lesson- I am stronger than I thought I was.
I read this in the newspaper today. "A true apology is the desire to right the wrong that has been caused. There is no fine print here. It does not command reciprocity and it has no other agenda. Just simple plain application of a soothing balm to the injury caused does it." I thought of you. And your 'apology'.
It took me two years to realize that we had hit a point of no return. Those two years were filled with anger, sadness and a lot of tears. Self doubt and insecurity. I oscillated between blaming you and blaming myself. I wanted you to remain in m life so badly that I kept coming back to you and blaming myself for everything that was wrong. And sometimes, I wanted your attention so badly that I would get angry for the smallest of things, hoping you would notice and that it would magically set things right between us.
I guess it was my fault. I expected you to be there for me when I needed someone. I was always there for you and your family when you needed someone. But you weren't there when I needed you. And you didn't even try to understand. The letters I wrote to you went un-answered. We weren't best friends but you were oblivious to it. You realized too late and by then I had become someone you wouldn't recongnize. I wasn't the same person who used to be friends with. Nor were you.
Apologies came in spurts. Once in a while, out of the blue. Never followed up by actions. Yet every time they did, I hoped you would work hard to break down the walls that I had built up against you. Your actions would force me to re-think not wanting to be friends anymore. But every time you apologized, you messed up again and apologized again later. I went from being sad and willing for you to realizing your mistakes to being angry and not wanting to care.
I want to thank you for a lot of things. For all the good memories and the good times. But also for the bad times. It has helped me realize that I am stronger than anything life throws at me. I thought I could not live without you but I can....Not only am I living but I am thriving. Thank you for helping me realize who my true friends are and for helping me realize that only when you close your doors on the ones that don't care do you open the doors to ones that do.
I wish I could write to you and let you know this but I can't. Because it will be admitting I care, and I don't want to. Because I don't think you care. And because I don't want to start it all over again. You are now a book on my shelf. The dusty book surrounded by cobwebs that lies on the top shelf because it was once your favourite and brings back memories. You are too old to read the book but it helps preserve a piece of your childhood.
-Me.
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